nowhere to go

i continue to not really want to be here... but then where else do i go? even if i could go back, is it the same as it was 20 years ago? would it be the same for the adult version of me? would i feel more comfortable because of the people there being different to the people here? or would it just be another careless mistake?

i don't feel like i'm doing anything productive or going anywhere good, and its only a matter of time before my luck runs out. it's hard to believe i'm alive at all... ii don't know how much longer i have... life feels untenable.

there are many things to be grateful for but with no purpose and no direction i'm at a loss. self-determination seems not to be an option.