cutting it fine

[wildcaribou]

hard to believe that the year is nearly over... time doesn't seem to slow down for anything or anyone
feels like just yesterday i was planning out what this year was going to be about
gentleness and clarity, i wrote

did i achieve gentleness? no
did i achieve clarity? not really

but i do think i created some degree of integration in my system
even though i am still accumulating injuries and my health is still on a steady downhill trajectory

i don't want to be delusional
but i want to believe in love
because when i do, my body feels at peace
it feels like if there's any healing to be had, being in love is the optimal state
stress begets stress begets stress...
less stress more rest

always been different
always been an introvert
when i was in ca things were different
not as much pressure on me to present myself societally
it was too late when we came here to adjust to all this
i was forced to adjust to so much
it was like carrying five hundred tons of bricks on my poor little back

i want to be away from all that
i don't want them
i don't like them
i never did
and i never will

i want my own space
my own time
my own melody
my own song
my own creativity
my own thoughts
my own feelings
my own laughter
my own joy
my own sorrow
they seek to steal it all from me

i'm so close to death these days i think they may have succeeded
what is love? is it real? will it redeem me?

right now my journey is completely alone
don't get me wrong i'm scared
but people are too hard for me anymore

i must help myself
i must love myself
otherwise i die

now we're at the eleventh hour
and everything falls away
all that matters is can i love you
that may be the only thing that makes a difference