circumnavigating fate
September 26th, 2024 01:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wildcaribounearly all of me believes my fate is already sealed. i've made too many mistakes and it doesn't matter anyway because every single option i took or didn't take would always lead to harm to me.
despite this... i wonder if there is still a way to ameliorate the situation, demonstrate my value, or maybe there is still a chance to fly under the radar and become a normie. maybe there are still some forces for good working in the mix in amongst all the evil? that may support my success?
my original plan was to become a stable normie. it's not easy to do, i'm anything but normal, my life has been anything but normal. i've had to traverse the turbulence of my history as part of my stabilisation process. and while it has been a very rough ride with many bumps and setbacks along the way, despite all that, could i have a chance to continue my path?
it's not easy to do because i never had the opportunity to do it before, my life has always been lived defensively, out of survival, reacting on instinct and impulse, most times careless and reckless, at rare times a stroke of genius, i really don't know how to describe this trip. it wasn't something i chose, it was something i had no choice but venture forth.
the perhaps ill-begotten hope is that there may still be an opportunity here to change all that? (where do i get my notions?) i am learning a lot about my greatest weaknesses, the skills i struggle with the most...
and so i must persist... venture forth and perhaps conquer new territory, this time with intent and purpose and calm instead of reckless and bold frantic abandon
it's the only shot that i've got at this point.
indeed it may all be for nought but if i waste my time wondering, i will never find out.
stern determination must set me forth this course. for me to become what i want to become, i will need to combine a few different powers and work through things day by day, commit to nothing and let the pieces fall into place over time, observe. this is a long-term process and it will require some resilience to chart and traverse this ongoing discovery/recovery... this is about digestion, comprehension, holistic understanding... done are the days of being on the backfoot, defending, stunted jabs and premature attempts... i want lasting stability and normalcy. i want foundations, roots.
i realise that i am waiting to develop my wisdom. patience.
despite this... i wonder if there is still a way to ameliorate the situation, demonstrate my value, or maybe there is still a chance to fly under the radar and become a normie. maybe there are still some forces for good working in the mix in amongst all the evil? that may support my success?
my original plan was to become a stable normie. it's not easy to do, i'm anything but normal, my life has been anything but normal. i've had to traverse the turbulence of my history as part of my stabilisation process. and while it has been a very rough ride with many bumps and setbacks along the way, despite all that, could i have a chance to continue my path?
it's not easy to do because i never had the opportunity to do it before, my life has always been lived defensively, out of survival, reacting on instinct and impulse, most times careless and reckless, at rare times a stroke of genius, i really don't know how to describe this trip. it wasn't something i chose, it was something i had no choice but venture forth.
the perhaps ill-begotten hope is that there may still be an opportunity here to change all that? (where do i get my notions?) i am learning a lot about my greatest weaknesses, the skills i struggle with the most...
and so i must persist... venture forth and perhaps conquer new territory, this time with intent and purpose and calm instead of reckless and bold frantic abandon
it's the only shot that i've got at this point.
indeed it may all be for nought but if i waste my time wondering, i will never find out.
stern determination must set me forth this course. for me to become what i want to become, i will need to combine a few different powers and work through things day by day, commit to nothing and let the pieces fall into place over time, observe. this is a long-term process and it will require some resilience to chart and traverse this ongoing discovery/recovery... this is about digestion, comprehension, holistic understanding... done are the days of being on the backfoot, defending, stunted jabs and premature attempts... i want lasting stability and normalcy. i want foundations, roots.
i realise that i am waiting to develop my wisdom. patience.
