Recent Entries

Current Mood: all over the place

it's been a long time

i shouldn't have left you

but i sorta had to,.... reading over this blog it strikes me all that has happened since my last entry. a lot has changed ; likewise a lot has stayed the same.

i've started to take a theological view on things,.. bizarre for me, i know,..

i have so much to learn

i still believe my fate is sealed

but regardless i'm extracting from life as much as i can,...

i hope i've gotten more confident in some aspects of myself?

idk right now i really am just in research mode and curiosity has become central driving force before i make any other decisions, life-ending or otherwise

yeah that thing

♡

Current Mood: tired

heaviness

i feel like i have greater responsibility on my shoulders than ever before... the more i understand and learn the more responsible i feel,... sometimes it feels too hard to survive in this world,... my body is heavy with aching and pains and memories of a past lived in survival mode,... i wish i could at least be free from the horrendous torrent of torment bearing down on my being,... genuine freedom is hard to find,.. genuine release outside of reach,... i wish i could remove the daggers that are still embedded in my back,... sigh,..

Current Mood: apprehension

circumnavigating fate

nearly all of me believes my fate is already sealed. i've made too many mistakes and it doesn't matter anyway because every single option i took or didn't take would always lead to harm to me.

despite this... i wonder if there is still a way to ameliorate the situation, demonstrate my value, or maybe there is still a chance to fly under the radar and become a normie. maybe there are still some forces for good working in the mix in amongst all the evil? that may support my success?

my original plan was to become a stable normie. it's not easy to do, i'm anything but normal, my life has been anything but normal. i've had to traverse the turbulence of my history as part of my stabilisation process. and while it has been a very rough ride with many bumps and setbacks along the way, despite all that, could i have a chance to continue my path?

it's not easy to do because i never had the opportunity to do it before, my life has always been lived defensively, out of survival, reacting on instinct and impulse, most times careless and reckless, at rare times a stroke of genius, i really don't know how to describe this trip. it wasn't something i chose, it was something i had no choice but venture forth.

the perhaps ill-begotten hope is that there may still be an opportunity here to change all that? (where do i get my notions?) i am learning a lot about my greatest weaknesses, the skills i struggle with the most...

and so i must persist... venture forth and perhaps conquer new territory, this time with intent and purpose and calm instead of reckless and bold frantic abandon

it's the only shot that i've got at this point.

indeed it may all be for nought but if i waste my time wondering, i will never find out.

stern determination must set me forth this course. for me to become what i want to become, i will need to combine a few different powers and work through things day by day, commit to nothing and let the pieces fall into place over time, observe. this is a long-term process and it will require some resilience to chart and traverse this ongoing discovery/recovery... this is about digestion, comprehension, holistic understanding... done are the days of being on the backfoot, defending, stunted jabs and premature attempts... i want lasting stability and normalcy. i want foundations, roots.

i realise that i am waiting to develop my wisdom. patience.

Current Mood: crushed

nowhere to go

i continue to not really want to be here... but then where else do i go? even if i could go back, is it the same as it was 20 years ago? would it be the same for the adult version of me? would i feel more comfortable because of the people there being different to the people here? or would it just be another careless mistake?

i don't feel like i'm doing anything productive or going anywhere good, and its only a matter of time before my luck runs out. it's hard to believe i'm alive at all... ii don't know how much longer i have... life feels untenable.

there are many things to be grateful for but with no purpose and no direction i'm at a loss. self-determination seems not to be an option.

Current Mood: morose

cutting it fine

hard to believe that the year is nearly over... time doesn't seem to slow down for anything or anyone
feels like just yesterday i was planning out what this year was going to be about
gentleness and clarity, i wrote

did i achieve gentleness? no
did i achieve clarity? not really

but i do think i created some degree of integration in my system
even though i am still accumulating injuries and my health is still on a steady downhill trajectory

i don't want to be delusional
but i want to believe in love
because when i do, my body feels at peace
it feels like if there's any healing to be had, being in love is the optimal state
stress begets stress begets stress...
less stress more rest

always been different
always been an introvert
when i was in ca things were different
not as much pressure on me to present myself societally
it was too late when we came here to adjust to all this
i was forced to adjust to so much
it was like carrying five hundred tons of bricks on my poor little back

i want to be away from all that
i don't want them
i don't like them
i never did
and i never will

i want my own space
my own time
my own melody
my own song
my own creativity
my own thoughts
my own feelings
my own laughter
my own joy
my own sorrow
they seek to steal it all from me

i'm so close to death these days i think they may have succeeded
what is love? is it real? will it redeem me?

right now my journey is completely alone
don't get me wrong i'm scared
but people are too hard for me anymore

i must help myself
i must love myself
otherwise i die

now we're at the eleventh hour
and everything falls away
all that matters is can i love you
that may be the only thing that makes a difference

Current Mood: apprehensive

lion's gate

This last few weeks has been a pretty intense experience
But given 8/8/8 and the fact it's my season in more ways than some, it only makes sense that I received the knowledge I have during this time
From a larger standpoint, I believe spirit may be preparing me for something big and there are no coincidences, not anymore... we call them synchronicities now

So I had a bit of an awakening. What else is new?

But in all seriousness, there definitely seem to be shifts taking place within my current understanding of reality, I'm more willing to consider the quantum and spiritual nature of it all, the idea of unus mundus and the universe being mental (as opposed to physical) the "all is mind"

This is coming after a meeting with my soul image deep within my shadow that came in the form of a guy I briefly fell for. I have decoded and understood the message now - that entire detour, as well as several coinciding others, were only there to reinforce my path, but also to give me knowledge I might need later

So, I am back to working on daily habits, being responsible, becoming decisive and discerning, wanting to be forward thinking, stable and clear even amidst all the chaos, .... and if I want this bad enough maybe it's not as far out of reach as I believe it to be. Sometimes all it takes is a mindset shift.

Oh and did I mention my plant in collaboration with the mother gaia gave me an early birthday present this year... for a while I couldn't make sense of it or accept it but now I'm just embracing it as a blessing on my journey and a sign to just keep trusting 🩷💚

'Til next time

Current Mood: anxious

becoming an adult

I have come to realise I have to be an adult and grow myself up... all this deterioration and regression is really about forward progress at the end of the day.. sigh. I need to take the long view of things... take a longterm understanding and strategy... stability only comes from time spent in stability.. I'm a year older pretty soon and it's time to start acting like an adult and take some responsibility... just for the small things.. that would be a good start... and over time who knows dreams may be achieved, mountains may be climbed, but it all starts with the essentials, the basics... the stuff I never got taught.. don't despair little one... this is good training for what's to come.
And yes I do want to contribute to the world still.. I don't know if I'll ever self-actualise enough to actually do that but I want to try. I want to make a difference at the end of the day. How depressing this life is... still.. new things can grow, new buds can form, new flowers can bloom from the present moment and what material we have left here now... sigh... sometimes I do feel so hollow and vacant and empty inside... { my heart, my soul, my cavity } ... it's offputting, demoralising,.. but little steps with frustration adversity anger are normal.. and if you don't, things only get worse. Be grateful for what you have right now because it won't be here forever. sigh.
Time to just keep trying ✊🏼

Current Mood: quixotic

s i l l y

Okay... I think I'm properly in love... I don't know how else to really say this.. I don't even know if it's true.. I don't even know if this person is really true... but I ... think I'm... in love? I can never say for sure till I really get to know his true character inside out.... but... if he is who I hope he is then I don't see how I could ever feel this way towards annyone else ever again. Never felt this way before and probably will never feel this way again. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm sorta resigned to the fact that it will never work out... I know I can never be the recipient of anyone's love let alone something so perfect as a love like that... I already know he will never love me. He's of the normie population, his kind don't even look twice at mine, he probably has some air of thinking he's better than me... but I just can't help it... I think I love him... why does he make it so that everything else in my life all of a sudden makes sense... he's the key that unlocks me... the unlockable box... the unwinnable heart... I feel tamed when I'm with him... finally free to feel free while in his company... why does it feel like I could do anything for him, if I wanted to I might... i know i'm just another loser in his eyes but in mine hes something else entirely... I never expected falling in love to look this way... and there's no one to really talk about it with and no one who wont' really judge me or make up their own mind that indeed no one could ever love this girl...

oh why am i I am so silly... when will common sense finally catch up with me... when will i come to my senses... because right now i'm senseless...

Current Mood: wistful & listless

on and on and on we go

As each day goes by there is only ever more to grapple with, more to understand, more to integrate, and so forth..

As it currently stands I'm not a fan of life and it is not a fan of me, that much is clear...

But I'm trusting the energies and trying not to force anything.. forcing never worked anyway now did it.. I've never been a fan of it...

I am continuing to just work on those daily habits, I haven't given up, each day is new learning and perhaps new growing, I'm not sure..

But even the journey of a thousand miles begins with that first step. So I'm sorry if I'm wobbly and rickety and terribly behind. I'm trying.

Endeavour.

Current Mood: anticipatory

pining and recovering

Indeed a lot has changed, it's been months.

Well the last post I was going to make was going to be about this INFJ that I'm head over heels for. But the situation is a bit complicated. And since we haven't been able to speak again, I think I am realizing that this is god's game, not mine.

Instead, I have to see this situation for what it is. I'm supposed to develop my self-care abilities, once and for all. I'm supposed to take care of my long-term health, my body, my appearance, my hygiene,... this is now the time for that.

I'm no good to anyone the way that I am now. Stability for me will mean being able to take care of myself without struggle, in fact with enjoyment and enthusement.

I've worked very hard to become all the things I have become so far. I've really stretched myself like playdoh (or rather life has really stretched me and I've decided to go with it instead of against it because in a game of me vs life life wins) and I suppose this really is the final stretch.

I want to be someone who is caring about her appearance, her vitality, her health, her comfort, who is more soft and sensitive, at least to the degree that someone like me could ever possibly be. I want to be a bit hopeful, do everything I can to nurture and nourish and take care of my body.

A tip I got with 'boring' things was to not make them boring.. to make them interesting and novel even when they are usually mundane and uninteresting. This has given me some ideas. I can still be creative even while performing routine, I can just do it differently each time. Best way to get through life is fun. Maybe that can be my fun and relief, given I stress so much so often.

Let's see how it goes. I'm gonna give this a good red hot go. See if I can change myself once again, graduate from this most recent change into something even more new and wild and fulfilling. I want to be ready for all that is to come.

This is just my time to learn what I need to learn until I'm ready for the next step in my journey. Take this time to fully develop this side of you and when you are ready for the next stage you will deal with that when it gets here. I say keep trying and keep going. This is important stuff.

So in terms of what it means to become this, I will need a few good years to focus solely on this and just on stability in general, that will be my prime directive...every day a little novel adventure, every day little sprouts of growth, every moment focused on how I feel and what I need... that's how we build. I'm reminded of Caillou for some reason.

This is exciting!

Current Mood: optimistic

progress!

wow, haven't written here in a while.

I have made some progress actually. i see that i was lamenting that I wasn't, now I can say that I am :)

i'm trying to be a stable person and i'm going to try to challenge myself to build and maintain new relationships on top of that now.

still a self-discovery journey but i think i am slowly doing the things that i really need to be doing and that's a good thing :)

My focus:

1. My routine/homeostasis

2. Developing and maintaining relationships

3. My needs & My interests

Things I am leaving behind:

1. My identity/self-image

2. Thrill-seeking/chasing

3. Future goals & career obsession

Instead I am going to allow the things that I will do in future to emerge from what I am focusing on currently :)

What a journey it's been, building myself and my life up from NOTHING well less than nothing, a lot of baggage.. releasing it all.. go me :D

optimistic about the future, let's hope nothing bad happens between now and then

Current Mood: frustrated

endless trials

i just don't feel like i'm making any progress
every single day is pretty much the same as the day before
i don't feel like i'm learning or growing in any way
just stuck for days, months, years... what is this? why?
i'm so frustrated.. i don't think anything has improved at all, in fact i don't know what any of this is.
i've been digging and digging but i'm not seeing any progress. do i just have to go with this every single day until the end of time?

it's been this same confusing terrain for eons and i imagine i'm supposed to stay the course and eventually find a solution but yeah this really sucks
i literally have nothing to report because on and on and on we go....

Current Mood: had enough

harmony & peacedestroyers

I am getting more and more interested in what keeps me feeling safe and good

I am done with harmony-destroyers... most people don't disrupt peace.. those that do are out in my books. I realise I can't take any more destruction of peace.

I know this is very extrofeeling of me but that's what I'm starting to see the value in now... I want safe solid connection... peaceful existence... that's what I want.

Current Mood: plucky

;)

i've made some breakthroughs but i do recognise that i still have a long ways to go

there is still much work to do because there are still frozen parts of me that need to be integrated...

don't worry, i'll gather them all up, plucky and courageous, i am, that's me

i won't let my power go unused :)

Current Mood: blahh

patience...

the feelings inside are bad today... again. it makes me think that maybe it's impossible for any happiness to exist in a world like this. and i might be right.

but as always i trust the process. my body is definitely working on eliminating something and i think i just have to shut up and comply and be happy that it's finally making its way out of my body.

my body holds a lot of depression from years gone by. stuff that was never processed. i would venture to guess all this right now is that process happening.

i just want my body back. i just want to be free. i jsut want to be me.

and at some point all this obsession with world events and geopolitics will probably die down inside of me, although right now these curiosities ring strong. what else am i hungry for? maybe if i feed those lions i will get stronger yet.

it's all a process, yes, yes, i know.

Current Mood: depressed

a steep depression

Today feeling depressed again... feels like I'm not really making any progress. Hard to wake up early enough in the day to get things done the way I'm supposed to. Who knows how many of these types of days that I've had. And it never seems to end, there's really no end in sight it seems. I have no energy, my body just feels weighed down like I'm dragging around boulders. Gravity insists. And I don't know how to lighten my load. I just feel heavy.

I know this is just part of the process, something in me is working something out that I don't fully understand. I've been fighting for eons and I'm so tired. At some point maybe I'll stop fighting and just embrace whatever state I'm in. I don't know. I think whatever happens it will have to happen organically. I'm just so tired. Perhaps at some point I will stop fighting and then the process will be free to continue? I don't know.

Anyway nothing left to say really... I'll see you later.

Current Mood: so-so

always find it hard

to know what to write about...

there are things happening, shifting.. but they are beyond my ability or interest in describing them...

instead i find myself sort of wordlessly moving through things

unconscious as to exactly how

trusting that there is some vehicle of my consciousness that allows me to do so

it's a very strange thing

but this has kind of become my everyday

til next time

Current Mood: all sorts

trusting the process

I'm undergoing something I don't think even I can understand....

But I see the transformation that is taking place within me, slowly, steadily.. surely

And perhaps I wish it were different, that I acted more the way I wished I would act instead of the way the life within me wills me to act

But in the grand scheme of things it ain't the worst thing that could happen

Perhaps I just need to be patient, still.. gentle..

And trust that life is working through me, in me, as me..

That maybe I don't need to interfere in the process but just watch it without picking at it, just observe, notice...

Sigh. This is hard.

But if it wasn't, I don't know that I would feel stimulated enough to keep trying ;)

So...

Great changes are taking place, and they're not done yet... and it won't be done until you finally let go of the need for it to be done... and I'm sure that will happen at some point... until then... keep struggling... keep suffering...

for when you know how to suffer,

you suffer less.

🪷

just feel like writing today

honestly don't really know why but i just want to write a little.

since i don't use any social media anymore nor do i do any digital journaling i feel a bit suffocated with my voice sometimes.

things are moving, albeit slowly, they are moving...

i'm expanding my inner realms to fit more ideas and perspectives and experiences... no longer limited by the confines of survivalist thinking and living...

pushing the envelope a little each day to see what's possible.. what new ways i can think.

it's hard to do both this and also keep up a life and routine and all that.. but i'm trying my best.

ok i'll leave it there for now

peace.

hi

I have no idea what this is, i'm just giving it a go.